Adolescence: is social media the root of all evil?

Beyond the focus on social media and masculinity, Adolescence pushed Dr Elyse Waites, Deputy Head Pastoral, Sydenham High School GDST, to question how we can ensure that the young people in our care are able to feel belonging and connection, the lack of which resulted in the protagonist searching online for meaning and validation.

Children look to the adults in their lives for guidance on how to navigate and react to difficult and emotional situations; absorbing our values and approaches. However, controlling the narrative of external influences in the digital age is near impossible. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate write in ‘Hold Onto Your Kids’ – social media is addictive because it exploits the drive for reassurance: Do I matter? Do I belong? Am I loved?

As an educator of 20 years, Dr Waites categorically says that building connections is the single most important thing you can do to gain trust, give meaning and develop positive relationships with young people. They need to feel secure, seen and heard. When your teenager wanders into the kitchen at 10pm citing hunger as their reason for being downstairs, grab this opportunity. Whether they know it or not, they are seeking some form of connection.

As parenting expert and coach Emma Gleadhill says:

It is our job – above all else – to stay connected even if they are pushing us away. We just need to be more ingenious, determined and collaborative- what worked when they were 5, 8, 10 won’t necessarily cut it at 13, 15 etc

A social media ban would not remove the root cause of why young people search for meaning online. The intense dramatisation of a therapy session showed the most vulnerable side of a pubescent 13 year old boy, but also his rage, desperate need for acceptance (at one point asking the therapist ‘but do you like me?’) and his disconnected approach to the opposite sex ‘she was weak so I thought I would have a chance’.

Clear boundaries at home around mobile phone use, social media and screen time are incredibly important; encouraging balance with in-person connection. Dr Waites advises that boundaries should reflect your values as a family, and allowing children to be part of the narrative gives them a sense of control, building that crucial self esteem. Jamie’s parents grappling with the realisation that they ‘should have done a bit more’ was a poignant reminder.

At Sydenham High we promote being kind, supportive and respectful to others, and ensure that all our pupils are known and understood. Responsive PSHE keeps pace with the challenges that are facing our young people, including conflict resolution and arguing without offending others. Our mentoring programme and ‘big sister’ club as well as building positive relationships between staff and pupils are essential for wellbeing, modelling the supportive, secure, balanced relationships they should expect in the future.

On the edge of an AI-driven tech revolution, the future of our young people is exciting but uncertain. Human skills of building and maintaining connection and healthy relationships in real life have never been more important.

Triangulation between school, home and child is crucial for building positive connections, holding firm boundaries and establishing trust. Being actively involved at all stages of your child’s development, being curious about what they are doing at school and online, being brave about asking important questions and being supportive when they make mistakes are all part of this development.

Dr Waites recommends trying pro active conversation starters at home; listening without judgement or criticism, empathising with how difficult it is to be a teenager today, and letting children know it is normal to be anxious and insecure sometimes:

• Where do you feel you belong the most?
• What does it feel like to belong?
• Which subjects/ activities give you a sense of belonging? Why and where does that come from?
• Which groups are you part of – or do you look to – that give you a sense of belonging and pride? Why is that?
• Are there any teachers in your life whom you trust?
• Where do you find belonging online? How does that work?
• Who are your role models - who influences you in the online space? What’s that like – and how is that similar or different to people who are role models for you in real life?
• How do you help other people feel that they belong?

We must ensure that our children are listened to, heard and encouraged to find a sense of identity and belonging in the real world.